December 22, 2018 I Can't Do This

I Can’t Do This                                                                                                 December 22,2018

Simple:

     On Sunday, we had church as a zone, which was great. Every week we prepare a talk in Spanish and they don't tell you til the moment of if you're speaking or not. We watched a really awesome video that night of a David A. Bednar Talk called The Character of Christ. On Monday we did service by cleaning up our residence hall. For Gym time Elder Silva and I always do 50 Push-ups and 100 crunches before anything fun, no matter what. Then I usually play volleyball. I forgot how fun that was. Spanish is coming along nicely. We finished the basic core book, and we're trying to talk in 100 % Spanish. On Monday Elder Silva and I were working out next to 2 Sister Missionaries, while talking in Spanish. We started talking, they found out it was our first week, and said "Are you guys from Spain or something?" Wow. Mi Corazon! That got us both pretty excited. I got a little sick on Thursday, so I took a nap, then woke up, then slept for 12 hours, then took a 2 hour nap on Friday. Terrible decision. I had never been more tired. Being anxiously engaged in a good cause definitely has its perks. Lazy days aren't good days. Last night, Hermana Harker left the classroom 30 minutes early because she felt extremely sick, and threw up. She asked for a blessing, and I had the opportunity to give it. It was a great experience. I'd explain more, but this is the simple section. You know how it is.

Divertido: 

     My companion recently learned the phrase, "Hasta la vista, Baby" and likes it quite a bit. It works better though when you use it on elders. We were walking to the cafeteria, and we passed La Hermana del Aeropuerto (I think her name is Hermana Russell or something, but she was the first missionary I saw when I showed up at the airport, so that's her new name). I said Hola and the 4 of us had a brief conversation in Spanish. As we were walking away I said Hasta Luego and my companion yelled out "Hasta la vista..." waited a solid 5 seconds, then muttered "...baby". Just loud enough that she heard it and it was really awkward, and for some reason the 5 second pause didn't really help much either. Huh. 

     Elder Silva is pretty funny though. He keeps trying to convince one of my teachers, hermana McDougle, to skype his brother, who just got back from a mission, on Christmas. She's not very interested. Sometimes it goes a little too far, but it's funny how cool he says his brother is, but then how desperate he makes him sound. For some reason telling her that he will drive to Provo from Portugal to go on a date with her didn't get her too excited. That's a long drive.

Importante: 

     I learned some really important things this week. First, laziness invites and sadness, at least for me, right now, right here. Just know, there's also a big difference between laziness and relaxations. On Thursday and Friday I got a little sick in the stomach, but nothing crazy.  Thursday is the one day we don't have any classes after dinner, but personal study time instead. I decide I didn't feel awesome, so it would be better for me to take a nap. I woke up around 6, feeling worse and more tired, so I did some stuff real quickly, then went to bed at 7, not waking up til 7am. I woke up feeling worse and more tired than I have been the whole month, so I had a morning where I more got by than anything. One of the Hermanas in my district even asked me if I was okay in class, because she couldn't helping thinking "Where's his light? He lost his light." After over 12 hours of sleep, I still was terribly exhausted and didn't feel great, so I took a 2 hour nap after lunch in my personal study time. You guessed it. I woke up more tired, feeling worse. The entire day I had been fasting and praying to feel more energy and feel the spirit again, which I had scared away in my lack of effort, but I was doing all the wrong things to try to get it back. I went to sleep many times, but I didn't wake up until the class that evening when about halfway through I realized I wasn't taking any notes, participating, or anything, because I just wanted it to be over so I could go to sleep. I decided I would do what I set out to do in my best moments, because I know that's what I expected of myself. As I busily got to work, the entire room seem to gradually, but rapidly grow brighter. It only got more real when Hermana Harker said she needed to leave class because she felt super sick, and threw up in the bathroom. She wanted a blessing, so I found my zone leaders to make sure it was okay. After clearing up a couple things, they said I should give the blessing. Both ready and not, my companion and I said a prayer for the presence and guidance of the spirit as we give a blessing to this sister. The zone leaders also participated in the blessing, and I can't describe what I felt, other than a sudden, profound warmth, and a guidance of my words. I cannot explain it well, but it was stronger than almost anything I had felt before. Immediately after, my zone leader walked up to me and quietly, but confidently said, "I felt that". So did I. It was an amazing experience, and I don't expect any of you to be wowed by this, because it was a personal blessing, to give her one. I felt that this opportunity, though scary, and a little intimidating, allowed me to find what I was fasting and praying for. I finally realized on the walk back that that was the first thing I had done all day that wasn't to satisfy my own needs. The words of a talk from Elder Bednar about the Character of Christ flashed through my mind. "When you lose yourself in the service of others, you'll find it, cause you're not looking for it." It's so true. It's hard to not look for your own needs sometimes, but the more you turn outward in times of inward hardship, the easier it becomes, because it becomes a part of who you are. And a person like that knows how to be happy. As I move forward in this crazy, awesome journey, I can't help but remember the words of Gordon B Hinckley's father in response to Gordon's letter home from his mission saying he was wasting his time and making no progress. "Forget yourself, and go to work"

     One more quick thing I learned: I can't do this. This is not something John Nephi Olson is capable of doing. Sure, I can exist somewhere for 2 years just fine on my own, but in order to be a true, faithful, diligent missionary, I need to realize that I can't do this, and I have. In Helaman 4:13, it says, "And because of this their great wickedness, and their boastings in their own strength, they were left in their own strength; therefore they did not prosper..." Many people told me before I left that I would make a great missionary, but I'm still getting there, because in order to become a great missionary you need to realize how much less of a missionary you are alone. Ammon said something along the lines of "If you praise me, I will give praise to my God, for without him, I am nothing." Paul said, "When I am weak I am strong." I know how small I am, but that's what will allow me to work with real strength, greater wisdom, and a lasting joy.

     Two last things I would have you know about this gospel and the doctrine within it. 1. I believe it and have a firm, continually growing testimony in it, and 2. It makes me happy. Before I left for my mission, I distracted myself in times of sadness with all sorts of things: movies, videos, roller coasters, dates, dancing, etc. Coming here has given me the chance to lose access to almost all the distractions, so that I had time to find my solution. This is my solution. I know many of you who do not share my belief are not happy with it, but at least know that it gives me joy, the real kind, that doesn't dissolve at the end of the day. This is where I'm supposed to be. I know that more every day.

-Elder Olson

P.S. I get to pick up mail every day for my whole district and it's one of my favorite things. I guess the whole idea of magically getting mail in the same locked box every day is just super exciting to me.